Everything was bigger in the 1970s: the songs, the solos, the pants, the appetites for often lethal amounts of drugs. And then there was the facial hair.
Since Neanderthals, so many people – well, let’s be frank, men – have rocked so many strainers, chin rests, and pom poms with as much freeform abandon as the rock musicians of the ’70s. From the titans of prog to the backwoods army of southern rock, the beard was king and the mustache its queen. Well topiarized or not, the foliage of the face signified freedom, especially from the concept of regular personal grooming.
So in honor of World Beard Day – it’s September 4th – we’ve ranked the greatest bands of rock’s golden decade not by the brilliance of their music but by the lushness of their fuzz. .
There are rules, of course. In each case, the profile of at least 60 percent of the alignment should be partially obscured by a face sweater of some description. And they must have tended the foliage for several years – none of your “Ooh, I wanna grow a mustache for five minutes” proto-hipster (yeah, we’re looking at you, Mick Jagger). Just as we demand the commitment of our heroes for their musical abilities, we demand the commitment of their mustaches.
So there it is – the biggest fur muzzles in rock. Nasal trimmers at your fingertips …
9. Top ZZ
You thought they would be number one, eh? Nope. Houston’s favorite fuzz producers have spent most of the decade wearing the kind of short chin straps you’d see on any mid-’70s urban cowboy. It wasn’t until they came back. of a long break with the years 1979 Deguello if Billy Gibbons and the late Dusty Hill had sprouted the majestic skins that would help them become unlikely MTV stars. If we were talking about the ’80s they’d be kings of the hill, but we’re not, so suck it up, shinyface.
8. Aphrodite’s child
Progressive rock beards are a category of their own – everyone from Genesis to cult folk prog Gryphon sported varying length growth, while Rick Wakeman was the prog’s own Gandalf. But when it comes to primitive sexuality, Athens’ hairballs Aphrodite’s Child swept everything before them – a trio of shaggy Hercules who proved Greece to be not just the cradle of democracy, it was the nursery for sub-nasal mats.
7. The Daredevils of Ozark Mountain
Okay, they weren’t Lynyrd Skynyrd or Allman Brothers, but when it came to lip warmers, country rockers The Ozark Mountain Daredevils were one step ahead of the competition. Not for them the unruly mutton chops of a Duane Allman or the hat and beard combo of a joke shop of a Leon Wilkson: these mustache farmers from Missouri wore their ground squirrels with a grace and elegance that were rare in the 70s rock world. I couldn’t name a single one of their tracks, but hey, that’s another story.
6. Cult of the blue oyster
Five men, three sets of fuzz – rock’s most mysterious band gratifies percentages. There’s some quality ’70s brow action courtesy of Buck Dharma and Albert Bouchard, but it’s frontman Eric Bloom’s gorgeous face that wins it here. Think Bob Ross: the metal years… So cry that you’ll never come close to matching it in a century of trying.
5. The beach boys
We are making an exception to the “foliage maintenance” rule here, simply because the Beach Boys’ journey from “toothy, shaved surf kids” to “potential cult leaders with dead eyes” is unmatched in history. Rock. Their time in the sun, in terms of beards, was relatively brief, but when they did, they went all out – not only flaunting top notch sex action in the mid-70s, but making a hit. full in the process.
Boston mastermind Tom Scholz may have been AOR’s Amadeus, but his phizzog was as hairless as an eel. Fortunately, the rest of his group made up for that – the vintage ’76 line had more tickling wizards than a group of Groucho Marx impersonators. Drummer Sib Hashian, a man whose face was even hairier upside down, was above it all.
Many Americans took the British Foghat chooglers as one of their own, but the mustaches were a dead gift: they looked like renegade RAF squadron commanders who had left their snot moping off a leash. It’s the classic early ’70s walrus line-up here, with guitarist Rod’ The Bottle ‘Price and drummer Roger Earl in a two-way fight for supremacy. Crank up the crank Slow ride and feel the sweat of the lips.
2. Black Sabbath
An evidence. In facial hair as in music, Black Sabbath was the most brilliant band of the time. Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler’s twin mustaches have popped up over the decade as furry colissis, majestic in their malevolence, while Bill Ward’s ever-changing beard approach has proven him to be the pioneer of rock. manscaping from the ’70s. Hell, even Ozzy got involved in the action every now and then, although he never fully engaged like his bandmates who dodge Gillette.
1. The Doobie brothers
Has another group been so devoted to the cause of pogonotrophy? The Doobs were both a rock band and a yeti convention. They made even the most shaggy of their contemporaries look like little baby pink pandas, though that wasn’t just the amount of coat on display. No, they killed it when it came to quality and scope too: pornstaches, coke powders, lumberjack scarves and, in Michael MacDonald’s case, a hair protection helmet – they had it all. .
But it would have been for nothing if they hadn’t had the songs. Can you imagine Long Train Runnin ‘ Where What a fool believes made by a bunch of mimsies cut into whelks? It was music made by people with facial hair for people with facial hair, and she has the beard dandruff to prove it.